Directed by: Brad Radby
Starring: Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson, Halle Berry, Keanu Reeves
Critics Average: 4/5 Stars
Box Office (US): $949M
BRAD RADBY’S SYNOPSIS
At the start of the movie, Jessica Alba is a cartoon drawer at a newspaper, and she does a funny cartoon about the President, who is Keanu, not being good at his Presidenting. That’s when Keanu shows up and tells her if she doesn’t get gay in four days, he will shoot her with a tank.
Jessica has never gotten gay before, so she goes around to different bars, trying to forget the new problem by doing lots of dancing. At one of the dancing clubs, Keanu finds her and reminds her she better get gay soon. This is really scary, because he points outside where the tank is, and it’s the tank that’s going to shoot her.
It’s early, so Jessica goes to a gay bar, where she can maybe ask some hot chicks if they want to try some on the lips kissing. Even though she isn’t gay inside, she thinks if Keanu sees her doing the kissing, he’ll call off the tank. It doesn’t work, but a gay lesbian, who is Jessica Biel, gives her a lesson about how to kiss girls when she’s ready.
The next day at work, Jessica’s boss, who is Jessica Simpson, tells her to make another good cartoon about Keanu, because the last one became a viral meme on the online internet. She doesn’t know what to do, because if she does another cartoon, she’s sure Keanu will get even madder. She knows this because he is outside the office right then waving his finger like “no-no-no”.
Keanu has his motorcycle helmet on.
That’s when Jessica starts to cry, and Jessica takes her to the tanning salon. They massage each other’s right shoulders with tanning lotion, and it makes Jessica feel a little better, and also she gets tan on that shoulder. Then they have popsicles together, and that’s in slow motion, and Jessica starts to think Keanu is right, and maybe she should get gay after all.
That night, Jessica goes dancing at the bikini club, and the bartender, who is Halle Berry, is doing bartending. Jessica is really sweaty from her dancing, and Halle likes that, so she asks her to dance, but they have to wait for her break. Keanu is watching this, and he sends in his tank, because he is thinking Jessica’s decided not to get gay.
That’s when the other Jessicas run in, and they’re all sticking up for Jessica. Jessica says to Jessica that everything will be fine, and Jessica says, “Hey!!! Mr. President! Happy Birthday THIS!” and tricks him into shooting himself with his tank. Halle gives everyone drinks and they dance on the tank until morning.
At work the next day, Jessica makes a new cartoon about how Keanu shot himself with a tank, and she’s learned her lesson about getting gay, and she’s in her bikini still. After the credits, Keanu climbs out from the broken tank and he is mad, and that’s setting up another movie.
BRAD RADBY’S PRODUCTION NOTES
1) Originally Keanu could turn invisible also but we didn’t have enough money, and that’s why in that one scene he snaps his fingers like he’s mad that he can’t turn invisible right then.
2) Also, in one deleted scene his tank could talk, and it goes, “NOOOOO!!!!” when Keanu takes his helmet off, because he’s in a crosswalk and that would be dangerous.
3) And like about the tank, there were a lot of online internet rumors that the tank was a gay lesbian, which was so funny because that was like the subtext of the movie.
4) When the tank busted through the wall that was special effects, and when Keanu busted through the wall that was real. LOL!!
5) Jessica was really good in this movie, and that’s why it made so much money, but I was still sad it didn’t make a billion. :(