Directed by: Brad Radby
Starring: Haley Joel Osment, Bruce Willis, Sigourney Weaver, Michael Caine
Critics Average: 2/5 Stars
Box Office (US): $89M
BRAD RADBY’S SYNOPSIS
At the start of the movie, Haley Joel Osment is the Christmas Child, and he knows he is special because his Happy Birthday and his Christmas Day are on the same day, and it is December 25th, and we know this because the Narrator, who is Michael Caine, is saying it in his olde tyme voice.
Haley likes it because everyone comes over and brings their Christmas Smiles when they see him. When his mom, who is Sigourney Weaver, looks at him, she gets the biggest Christmas Smile of all, but it’s still not as big as Haley’s, because remember his has some Happy Birthday Smile in it, too.
Nearby but on Mars, Galaxorg, who is Bruce Willis, is looking everywhere but can’t find his Christmas Smile. He gets mad, and calls a big meeting re: his Christmas Smile and why maybe it’s missing?
“Only by consuming the Christmas Child will my space wife return to life…and then we shall find my Christmas Smile…”
All his alien pals are confused and slimy, because Bruce never needed to eat anyone to find his Christmas Smile before and they’re like whispering, “wtf?” to each other but in alien voices not English ones.
Haley Joel likes cookies with blue stripes for frosting.
Bruce and his friends go to Earth on their space busses and like kill everyone with their spaceship guns in a big explosion, and that means fire and boom sounds that are big.
So Bruce walks around with his alien friends and they find Haley, and he is still drinking eggnog and doing his celebrating for the Christmas Day, because his family is still alive in his heart, and also because he has pictures of them with burn marks on the edges from the big explosions.
HO! HO! HO!
Haley looks up with his pretty eyes, and says he is happy even though he sees so many dead people all over the place, and Bruce finds his Christmas Smile all on his own. He goes back to his planet and he’s really happy, and orders his slimy alien meme-makers to rename it Planet Happy, and they make big signs that say this.
Back on Earth, Haley starts making new babies with the other people who are left, and they all speak English. His Christmas Smile inspires everyone!
BRAD RADBY’S PRODUCTION NOTES
1) I was born on the Christmas Day just like Haley, and my mom called me a Christmas Child too, and then she stopped doing that when I was a Christmas Teen finally.
2) I helped Haley with his Christmas Smile by going like this with him and then like gave him a mirror and had him go like this and that was like really good Method actoring.
3) Haley didn’t understand the end where he had to make babies so I told him what a uterus was and his mom got mad at me. LOL!!!
4) I called her Mommy Joel Osment and that made her even madder, but I thought that was her name because Haley called her Mommy. wtf
5) My mom died while I was on my Super Airplane ride so that was a big omg when I got home.
(Click and there's a whole cover?)
