Directed by: Brad Radby
Starring: Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Michael Douglas
Critics Average: 2/5 Stars
Box Office (US): $23M
BRAD RADBY’S SYNOPSIS
At the start of the movie, Angelina Jolie is at the airplane station with her big-time businessman husband, who is Michael Douglas. He goes to the Iraq to buy oil, and the terrorists get him and take him to the caves, where they beat him up and make him bleed out of his nose and throw nails at his shoulder.
Back in America, Angelina doesn’t understand why Michael isn’t answering his phone, and she throws it against the wall because she’s super frustrated and trying not to cry, and also because she forgot to tell him about the new person in her uterus. OOPS!
At the police station, the detective, who is Brad Pitt, tells her the Iraq isn’t where he does his policing, so no deal. Then he follows her outside and yells to her from across the street and says, “Tell me everything you know!” and that’s in a way that means he will not play by the rules if that’s what it takes.
Brad has a tattoo on his forearm.
In the Iraq, the terrorists are meaner than ever, and Michael just wants to let his wife know he’s okay, and he’s like, “MYYY SHOOOOUULLDDERRRR…!” and that’s in slow motion because it hurts so bad.
Then back in America, Brad is triangulating things on a map of the Iraq all night long. Angelina sees him and thanks him and gives him coffee. He has his shirt off, and he has to explain how he got his special scar, from when he was a brave rookie cop and saved some old people from mohawk thugs.
Angelina goes to bed, but stops to look at him doing his hard work. Then when she goes, Brad turns back and looks at where she was standing, and that back-and-forth not seeing each other is the meme.
Michael Douglas hasn’t eaten in three weeks, and when one of the terrorists punches him, he almost dies and also has a facelift that gets loose. Right then, Angelina wakes up in a cold sweat like, “WAAAGH!!” and that’s because she knew something bad happened to Michael, and she doesn’t have a shirt on.
Brad kicks in the door and then sits on the bed, because he cares about her more than he realized. They are in the moonlight and they kiss by accident on purpose. She says she’s married and he says he is too, and then he goes back to triangulating his maps of the Iraq, but he throws his pencil across the room when the triangles won’t show him where Michael is.
While the terrorists are teasing Michael with knock-knock jokes, he gets the hungriest he’s been yet, and then he dies. The terrorists make a tape and send it to the paparazzi, and everyone is sad because he didn’t get the oil he was going to buy.
At Michael’s funeral, Brad stands far away in a leather jacket and watches Angelina have her sadness. After everyone leaves, he goes over and she thanks him for everything he did. She drops a flower on the grave and they walk off, and then over the credits they go all the way together.
BRAD RADBY’S PRODUCTION NOTES
1) I forgot to yell cut when Brad and Angelina were going all the way and I’m pretty sure they were being Method, and like Brad’s wife was there that day, so that was weird.
2) There was a part where the Army gets involved in the Iraq, and all the sand was made of Ruffers’ special nose candy, but Mr. Naiboir was like, “Have you lost your mind??” and so that was a deleted scene in the movie.
3) I tried to give everyone some of the nose candy at the wrap party, and Mr. Naiboir said something serious and grabbed me on my shoulder when he did, and I bit through my cheek be-cause I had so much nose candy!
4) Ruffers said I yelled, “OOGEDY BOOGEDY!!!” when that happened, and then we jumped out the window, and that’s how Ruffers died. :(
5) After we were done with the moviemaking I went to a special place with a creek and nurses, because my parents and Mr. Naiboir said maybe I was too into pills and doobies and nose candy and gin.