Directed by: Brad Radby
Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Dwayne Johnson, Elizabeth Banks, Terry Crews, Greg Kinnear
Critics Average: 1/5 Stars
Box Office (US): $27M
BRAD RADBY’S SYNOPSIS
At the start of the movie, Mark Wahlberg works at the docks, and his co-worker, who is The Rock, who is Dwayne Johnson, is yoked in his arms.
One day after work, the coach of the football team that they like, who is Greg Kinnear, comes to the dock and says they’re going to let everyone come try out for the team, and this is so the worker-athlete trade routes aren’t bad anymore.
The Rock can’t do it because of his sad knee from the old days, but Mark’s body has no sad parts at all, etc. it’s footbally to the max! He asks his wife, who is Elizabeth Banks, if he should go for it, but she’s worried about the bills and about the new person in her uterus.
Mark starts doing push-ups in the middle of the night, and then throws a football through a tire, but it misses. Elizabeth watches him from inside and man is she worried about the bills and the person in her uterus now!
Mark goes to try out, and all the guys on the team are like, “oh man, who is this little fella,” but then Mark beats the star player at the tackling race, and that is Terry Crews, and he is like, “Whaaaaaat honky?”
Elizabeth gets mad when the dishwasher breaks.
Everyone picks on Mark, but he keeps trying and also working hard at his dock job, and he does something at each place that makes that side think about the other side differently – like Mark tackles boxes at the dock, and punches a time clock at football try-outs. Maybe dock workers and football players aren’t so different?
The Rock and Mark have a big training meme, and during it, Elizabeth comes out and holds the tire for him, but everything gets bad when the ball hits her in the uterus.
At the hospital, Mark feels bad, and she’s like, “WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DO THIS?!?!” and Mark is like, “YOU KNOW WHY!!” and she is like, “NO, I DON’T KNOW WHY, SO YOU BETTER TELL ME, MISTER MAN!!!”
Mark sits in the dark corner and reveals his secret, and that’s if he doesn’t make the team, he’ll be sad. Now everyone gets it, and it’s fine if he risks it all.
At the try-out, he makes the team and becomes a big star, and then the baby is born and he names it Mark Terry Crews Kinnear Wahlberg The Rock, Jr.
Over the credits, it’s like jokes about missed passes at Elizabeth’s uterus, and also Coach Kinnear is giving out blue striped popsicles for making good throws.
BRAD RADBY’S PRODUCTION NOTES
1) We had one joke on set where we gave Mark a jersey that said Lil’ Fella and that’s why I had a broken pinkie finger when we were done with the movie.
2) In one of the deleted scenes, Elizabeth got hit in the uterus by a car, but that would’ve meant two hospital scenes and we just needed one.
3) Like all the time while we were making the movie I was like to Elizabeth, “If you don’t look at this I’ll be sad!” and then I pointed at Mark’s wiener.
4) Mark did that too, but he would punch me in the shoulder instead of pointing at my weiner, so maybe he didn’t get the jokes I was doing.
5) Dwayne The Rock wasn’t the I’LL BE BACK robot either. wtf