Directed by: Brad Radby
Starring: Matt Damon, Penelope Cruz, Keanu Reeves, Ed Harris
Critics Average: 3.5/5 Stars
Box Office (US): $601M
BRAD RADBY’S SYNOPSIS
At the start of the movie, Matt Damon is a divorced dad, and his kids are mad at him because he’s gone all the time at his important job, where he works for the President, who is Keanu.
To make some happiness happen, Matt brings the kids to live with him at his vacation farmhouse for the summer, but a choo-choo train runs over the house because of Matt’s farm helper, who is Ed Harris. This happened because Ed likes to have his special beer at breakfast time.
There’s only one solution, and that’s to get a cool technology houseboat on the river. They all live on it and be sad together, and one night Matt’s son runs away to a fancy bikini party and picks up a sexy Spanish girl, who is Penelope Cruz. She is cute and confused all the time, and she becomes the maid, because she can make special el loco popsicles in the kitchen.
Matt has a goatee.
One night Matt is up late, because he’s really busy finding out that he might love his kids in a new way he didn’t realize before. That’s when he hears some bad sounds up on the roof of the houseboat, and it’s Penelope, and she’s moon bathing in her el underwear.
Matt asks her what she’s doing, and she’s confused about the moon not making her el tan yet. Matt is like, “hmm…well let’s give it a minute,” because he wants to save that info, in case they run out of things to talk about later. But also he sees Air Force One flying away nearby and is like, “whoa…” and there’s a clue and the meme.
Everyone is cleaning up the houseboat and repainting the next day, and it’s silly and fun because of Penelope’s el happy songs. That’s when Ed comes over and tells Matt to turn on the TV, where Keanu is saying houseboats are illegal, and putting a reward up for catching all the houseboats, and then there are gunshots outside, because people want to kill the houseboat and get Keanu’s prize.
Matt motors around trying to have a nice family life, and learning about his kids and his hot popsicle maid, and fighting off houseboat attackers, and soon they are the only houseboat left. They think they are maybe safe, but real late one night at the White House, there is one light on, and Keanu is scratching out a plan with a #2 Dixon Ticonderoga pencil.
The next day a salesman, who is Keanu in disguise, comes to the houseboat to sell cleaning supplies to Penelope. Keanu reveals that he’s in charge of Matt’s technology houseboat now, and his Secret Service men come aboard with their machine guns and sonic bombs.
Matt is lifting weights over on shore when he sees Keanu pumping his fist and boating away, so he gets really serious, and shaves his goatee and chest so he can be symbolic. He gets Ed and says sorry about being a jerk, and asks for help to get his sexy popsicle maid back, and also his family and houseboat if they have time.
Matt and Ed kick everyone’s butt after a jet-ski chase, and Matt saves the day, and Keanu learns his lesson that maybe houseboats aren’t so bad, after all.
Everyone goes on the roof in their swimsuits, and Matt has that saved conversation with Penelope about the sun and how it makes you tan. You can tell that Keanu is having a fake happy face, because he gives the houseboat the evil eye as the credits roll, and he’s giving all the credits the evil eye also, because he thinks maybe they’re going too slow.
BRAD RADBY’S PRODUCTION NOTES
1) I kept the houseboat from the Houseboat movie and me and Keanu moved in there for a while so I could quit being lonely from the Lisa divorce.
2) Dad came to set one day and made a real Cherokee dinner for Matt and Keanu, and it was fresh buffalo.
3) This was a remake of the old movie, but with Matt Damon, explosions, and Keanu, and also my dad didn’t kill a buffalo in the first movie during the party scene.
4) When Keanu was nominated for Best Supporting Actor, he called me and was like, “Whoa.”
5) Matt called me and said the same thing about Keanu! LOL!!
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