Directed by: Brad Radby
Written by: Keanu Reeves
Starring: Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Keanu Reeves, Christine Taylor, Bernie Mac, Jet Li
Critics Average: 2/5 Stars
Box Office (US): $120M
BRAD RADBY’S SYNOPSIS
At the start of the movie, Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson are helmet cops who are not friends, and now things are getting bad for them, because the chief, who is Bernie Mac, is making them partners!
This is because the President, who is Keanu, is on TV and he’s saying that all the immigrants have to give back their 40 acres and a mule, and then they have to swim back to their own countries. Nobody can even use flippers, so like everyone knows that will be really tough.
Ben and Owen will have to work fast to use their street smarts and book smarts and their helmets to stop Keanu, because Bernie’s daughter, who is Christine Taylor, is a teacher of little kids at a school, and she tells them that one of the kids is an immigrant, and his parents just turned in their mule, and are already on their way to the ocean.
Owen and Ben go to the secret BBQ wok club to look for clues, and the Asian cheerleaders are doing their wavy dances, and Owen gets really urban about wanting to go all the way with them. That’s when the King of Asia comes in, who is Jet Li, and he kung fu fights them, because they saw his autographed picture of Keanu.
Even with their helmets they can’t win, and they both get their shoulders hurt because of Jet’s karate tricks.
While Christine fixes them up, they try and impress her with their great jokes. Owen says honkies like Ben can’t dance. Ben says Owen dances great, and Christine likes that, too – who’s she gonna choose!?
While this is happening, Jet knows maybe these two are trouble, so he goes to the White House to tell Keanu about the Helmet Cops that he fought, and Keanu goes on the online internet and changes all the websites to say that Ben and Owen are Communists.
Bernie takes Ben and Owen’s badges from them, and tells them that the new law means they have to swim back to Africa right away. Their other Helmet Cop friends arrest them and drive them to the ocean, and their friends are Will Ferrell and Vince Vaughn in a hilarious meme.
Owen gets rabies.
At the ocean, Keanu and Jet are on a rollercoaster, and Keanu is like, “On your mark…get set…” to all the immigrants lined up on the beach. Christine runs up at the last second, and gives Ben and Owen their helmets, and says for them to go and do punching on Keanu and Jet. They do, and there’s a big fight, and Jet says, “HEEEEEEEEE-YAAAAAHHH…!” in slow motion as he falls off the coaster.
The bad thing is their helmets broke, and Keanu is smiling because he can shoot them now with his machine gun. That’s what he does to Owen, and Ben is like, “Oh man, don’t die…” and Owen is like, “You’re my favorite honky,” and then he has extra blood coming from his mouth because of Keanu’s bullets, and also because the roller coaster is going even faster now.
While this is happening, Keanu is firing his machine gun in the air and making all the immigrants swim away for good, and that’s when Ben remembers that he has confidence, and he yells for the immigrants to stop swimming, so they can be brave.
Ben and the immigrants chase Keanu, and make him swim away in the ocean. Also, Owen didn’t lose all his blood, and he admits maybe the immigrants don’t all look the same to him anymore.
Bernie gives them better police jobs and new helmets and says, “Now get outta here!” but he says it like he really loves them, and laughs at his desk as he gets back to work.
Later, Ben and Owen take Christine on a date, and she admits that she’ll go all the way with both of them. As the credits roll, Keanu climbs out of the ocean in China, and he is drying off from his swim, and is really mad.
BRAD RADBY’S PRODUCTION NOTES
1) Eddie Murphy was supposed to be in the movie but he didn’t come to the moviemaking on the first day, so Ben called Owen, and that was cool because he brought lots of doobies, and also his brother and their other cool friends!
2) Ruffers had a big doobie this one time but he’s a doggie how does he hold a doobie? wtf
3) Bernie said I was a honky because of all my gin I was drinking, and so I was always going honk honk honk on the movie set. LOL!!
4) When Jet fell off the building, the slow-motion was special effects we put in later, because I had so many doobies I forgot to tell him to fall in slow motion, and I was like honk honk honk!
5) This was called Immigrant Cops at first but then Keanu said they should wear helmets, and everyone liked that idea for sure.
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