Directed by: Brad Radby
Starring: Christian Bale, Shia LaBeouf, Bruce Willis, Rosario Dawson, Mickey Rourke, Disneyland Superman Radby, Malcolm Radby-Spacey
Critics Average: 1/5 Stars
Box Office (US): $122M
BRAD RADBY’S SYNOPSIS
At the start of the movie, Christian Bale is a big-time TV chef, and when a worker on his show starts moving the lights around at the wrong time, he screams that they won’t be professional together anymore, and then kills him with punches.
He has to have life in prison at the meanest prison in the world, and it’s called the Death Prison, because if you’re a wimp you’ll die there. The warden, who is Bruce Willis, has no rules, and there are dead people all over the place, and on the outside wall of the prison, it says GET TOUGH OR GET DEAD with drippy red spray-paint, and that’s like for making the prisoners think they’ll die if they whine.
When Christian gets there, the guards beat him up and make him wet with a hose that’s really strong, and feels even stronger because he doesn’t have clothes on. Then the head guard, who is Mickey Rourke, hits him with a bat to test how tough he is. Well Christian is pretty tough, because he doesn’t even fall down, even when he is bleeding hard from his head and his left shoulder. Not his right one, because that is kept fresh so Bruce can come down and put a tattoo on there, and that’s another toughness test.
Bruce says he better be tough, and points to the wall with the writing, and Bruce tattoos “DEAD” onto Christian’s shoulder, and shoves him out the window, right in the middle of the prison yard. Everyone sees the “DEAD” on his shoulder, and they’re like, “oh man, we get the message,” because Bruce is standing in the broken window, and then turns and walks away in slow motion.
That’s when the hyper and young death prisoner, who is Shia LaBeouf, comes and helps Christian, and says he can trade like hamburgers for homemade popsicles, or something else he might need. Shia says that his shifty ways are how he is not a dead person yet, and Christian asks him if he can help him not be a dead person, and Shia is like, “No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no!” Shia can only give him important prison living tips, like don’t hit home runs during the prisoner-guard baseball games.
The next day at the prisoner-guard baseball game, Christian hits an inside-the-park home run, and nobody knows whether to kill him or not, because the rule isn’t so clear on that one. Mickey just beats him up really hard, and Bruce comes out and says to stop making a joke of his prison, and kicks dirt on Christian. They throw him in The Hole, which is a huge hole behind the prison.
Everyone throws their sweaty weightlifting towels at him, and he has to eat leftovers. This goes on for three weeks, and while it’s going on, Bruce walks to the edge of The Hole and looks down at Christian and then walks away in slow motion, and then tells Mickey to throw more towels in like, “Moooooorrrree tooowwweellllls…” and that’s in slow motion too, because he’s saying it while doing the slow motion walk.
While Bruce watches some towel throwing, Christian’s wife, who is Rosario Dawson, comes to the prison and says that Christian did not kill the man with the lights, and it was just special effects. Bruce says no way, and then she leaves, and is sad with their sons, who are Disneyland Mustang Radby and Malcolm Radby-Spacey. Meanwhile, Christian is let out of The Hole, and Mickey and Bruce make him wash all the weightlifting towels that were in The Hole with him.
That’s when Shia passes Christian some important info he found in a Bible, and it’s info that proves Bruce set him up, so that there would be fresh meat to throw in The Hole, and the meme is clear at that point in the movie. Bruce hates chefs, and this is a dark warden secret he has.
Malcolm is half urban.
Christian makes a plan using Morse Code, and then there’s the big prison riot, where all the prisoners are yelling and throwing garbage. Christian fist-fights Mickey and is like, “How do you like your steak?” and then sets him on fire and says in his growly voice, “I like mine well done,” and Mickey dies from being on fire.
During the riot, Shia is all like trying not to get hit, and making bets with people on who will die, and going, “No-no-no-no-no-no-no!” whenever punches or garbage comes close.
Christian finds Bruce, and throws him in The Hole, and then he looks down at him, and then he turns and walks away in slow motion. That’s when the credits roll, and Christian gets out of prison, and gets ALIVE tattooed on his other shoulder. Rosario is there, and she gets a tattoo of a pipe.
BRAD RADBY’S PRODUCTION NOTES
1) Everyone said putting Malcolm in the movie was playing favorites, but he had more scenes than Disneyland Mustang, and he’s my favorite, so wtf.
2) My dad was in the movie as Cherokee Death Prisoner #94, and that’s why a couple of the actoring guys in the riot scene really died, so that was some more bad paparazzi news.
3) None of the other Cherokee Death Prisoners killed anyone so that’s why I was like telling dad to cut it out.
4) In that scene with Christian’s TV show, the guy really did move the lights, and that’s why that looked so real when Christian didn’t want to be professional with him anymore.
5) Me and Bruce were allowed to go see the real Death Prison and that’s where we learned all the stuff for the movie, like that wardens walk away in slow motion, and that hitting home runs is a bad idea, and that Mickey Rourke is a prison guard when he’s not doing actoring.