Directed by: Brad Radby
Starring: Natalie Portman, Bruce Willis, Josh Hartnett, Juliette Binoche, Keanu Reeves
Critics Average: 0.5/5 Stars
Box Office (US): $196M
BRAD RADBY’S SYNOPSIS
At the start of the movie, it says “BASED ON THE READING BOOK BY STEPHENIE PIPERBRAUM” again, even though I didn’t want that in the movie at all this time, and that’s because of the jerky online internet kids wtf.
So then at the next start of the movie, Andreanna, who is still Natalie and is getting really hot, is at her 14th Happy Birthday party, and already there’s a mystery – where’s the cake?!
She and Lugustus find a clue right away – hoof tracks that go to the backyard. They go back there, and it’s Handsomar Horsebuck, who is Josh Harnett again, and he has the cake in his hooves. Lugustus is like, “PUT DOWN THE CAKE, HORSEY!!” but there are still a lot of mad times from the first movie, and Handsomar is like, “NAY! NAY! FROSTING! NAY NAY!!”
Lugustus gets mad, and Andreanna and Handsomar go for a fifty-minute walk, and they stare at each other the whole time, because of their young love and because they like the pretty leaves and all their colors.
Handsomar says there’s a big mystery he needs help with, and it takes forever to say it because Stephenie wouldn’t let me change anything from the reading book again, so whatever. The Unicorn King, who is Keanu, has lost his cradle, and there’s a baby on the way from the Unicorn Queen, because her uterus got full with a new unicorn.
The whole Unicorn Valley is worried, because the Unicorn Baby won’t have anyplace to sleep if they don’t find the cradle. Only Andreanna can find it, because they’re pretty sure that Dr. Vargance Badlee has it, and that’s Bon Jovi again, but he’s not even in Part One, so that’s stupid.
The backyard from the start needs to be raked. wtf
Andreanna goes behind Lugustus’s back, and takes on her first solo case with Handsomar, but also the Unicorn King has hired Lugustus, and now it’s a race against daddy for the clues, and so that’s when the Unicorn Army gets involved.
Handsomar and Andreanna have their first sweaty kiss on top of the Unicorn King’s castle, and they stare at each other, and then they stare at the Unicorn Army, and it takes thirty minutes of the movie, and then everyone waits for Part Two and that’s a big who cares.
BRAD RADBY’S PRODUCTION NOTES
1) Me and Keanu came in on our day off and made the scene where the Army gets involved, and also there’s a deleted scene we did on another day off where the Unicorn King says he wants to turn all the unicorns into gay dinosaurs. LOL!!
2) I forgot to yell cut again during the staring scenes and so there was lots of footage of that, and like that was one thing Stephenie liked. wtf
3) I got fired from Part Two for having a sleepy attitude and I’m still not allowed to talk about it because of the lawyering tricks, and I thought that would’ve worn off by now.
4) No memes in the movie at all again. :(
5) When Bruce shot that unicorn my dad got mad because he wanted to get it with his axe and there was a fight, so no more smiling and sharing jokes and fun with Bruce for awhile. :(