Directed by: Brad Radby
Starring: Natalie Portman, Bruce Willis, Josh Hartnett, Juliette Binoche, Jon Bon Jovi
Critics Average: 2/5 Stars
Box Office (US): $491M
BRAD RADBY’S SYNOPSIS
At the start of the movie, it says “BASED ON THE READING BOOK BY STEPHENIE PIPERBRAUM” and that’s so the little girls and teen girls can cheer at the screen, and some of them even cry because they like it so much.
Andreanna Marsupial, who is Natalie Portman, is 13 years old, and she just moved to a new town that’s really cloudy, and there are no sunshines. Her dad Lugustus Marsupial, who is Bruce Willis, is a detective, and he always has weird and magic cases to take on. Mom is dead, and she is Juliette Binoche, and that’s a flashback sadness that everyone has in their hearts at breakfast because the pancakes and juice aren’t there.
Sometimes they are there, but only when Andreanna is having her unicorn dreams where the unicorns eat Mom’s pancakes.
Andreanna is shy and embarrassed because she always has a tail that is sleepy. One day at school, there is a new boy, and he’s a man-horsey, and it’s Handsomar Horseback, who is Josh Hartnett. He runs around in class going, “NAY! NAY! NAY! NAY!” and then he stares at Andreanna all through lunch.
All the staring makes Andreanna scared and curious at the same time and that’s dramatic and her tail wakes up a little.
She’s never been in love with a horsey before, so she goes up on the roof to be sad about her half-awake tail and to miss the sunshines, and she does this for a half hour in the movie. That’s when Lugustus comes up on the roof and talks about how he misses Mom too, but Mom was his seventh wife, and all the other wives turned into horseys because of magic, so maybe they can have a new Mom sometime if he starts dating again.
Andreanna’s tail is pink.
The next day at lunch, Handsomar gallops over to Andreanna and stares at her right in her face, and she stares back, and this goes on for forty-five minutes in the movie, and that seems long, but that’s kinda what the meme is. Then Lugustus comes into the school and sees Andreanna with the man-horsey, and he gets mad, because he thinks the horsey-stare is how his other wives became horseys.
“NAY! NAY! NAY! NAY!”
This is what Handsomar says to say it’s not true, and they start trying to find clues, and out of nowhere, the bad guy shows up. The bad guy is Dr. Vargance Badlee, who is Bon Jovi, and he is Logustus’s old enemy, and there’s a fight off-screen, and Andreanna wins.
She’s in the detective club with her dad, and she gets her badge as the credits roll.
BRAD RADBY’S PRODUCTION NOTES
1) Stephenie Piperbraum wrote the reading book and she was there making sure I didn’t change things, and she always brought all her cats to the movie set and they were all named Brianna. wtf
2) That was funny because one day I brought my doggie Ruffers and he chased the cats away when he went, “RUFF! RUFF RUFF RUFF!” so it was like, “TAKE THAT LADY!!” but I said that to myself.
3) Stephenie wouldn’t let me put any BBQ Cheerleaders in this one because they weren’t in the reading book, but I didn’t read it so how was I supposed to know, and that’s why the online internet went ca-razee!
4) Andreanna’s tail was special effects and that’s another way Stephenie and the online internet kids got mad, but I looked at Natalie’s butt and there was no tail, so I just told the nerds to do it later. wtf
5) The last day of the moviemaking I was like to Stephenie, “HEY HERE’S A REAL TAIL!!!” and pointed at my wiener. LOL!!!