Directed by: Brad Radby
Starring: Will Smith, Jennifer Lopez, Ray Liotta, Alfre Woodard
Critics Average: 1/5 Stars
Box Office (US): $101M
BRAD RADBY’S SYNOPSIS
At the start of the movie, it says “BASED ON A TRUE STORY” in really important writing.
After that part, Will Smith is an inventor in 1960, and everyone is telling him an urban inventor can’t be a real inventor like the honkies are. Also, his wife is from New Mexico, and she is Jennifer Lopez, so there’s another thing that’s harder for him with the neighbors.
One day Will’s factory boss, who is Ray Liotta, is yelling at him about his messy workstation, and Ray wears a black leather jacket with his slicked-back hair, and he rides a motorcycle.
Will is like, “Yo Ray, whatup with that, dawg?!” and Ray does punching on him and talks about how his great-grandpa used to keep Will’s great-grandpa in the barn with the horseys.
Will goes home and he is telling his momma, who is Alfre Woodard, about how Ray is mean, and J-Lo is making her special tacos, and even Alfre is worried because of how different people are, and maybe honkies and urbans and whatever J-Lo is can’t get along.
Will listens to hip-hop when he can’t sleep.
For sure Will thinks this is the time to get serious about being a man, so he invents something called a table, and it’s like a platform with four legs that helps him make his workstation clean, and when he sets it up, he is like to Ray, “HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW, CRACKER!!” and that means Will is going to lunch.
Ray sees the table, and even he has to admit it’s pretty useful, even though Will is urban. Ray closes the factory for the rest of the day, and gets on his motorcycle to go take Will’s table to the President, who is Keanu in a cameo.
So then Ray and Keanu are in the Oval Office, and they are trying to see if they can put different things on the table, and these are like all of Keanu’s important papers about his secret plans to get rid of the urban people, and Ray is really excited about that for sure!
Keanu gives Ray a hall pass, and he takes the table to Congress and shows all the governors how it works. While that is happening, Will sees the factory is closed, and he is pretty sure he knows what’s going on. He calls J-Lo, and she says the Army stopped by and evicted her, and they are making her swim back to New Mexico in the morning.
Alfre dies from sadness, and Will cries really hard about that. J-Lo is asking him what now, and Will stands up and looks over at Washington, DC and is like, “I’ma get me my table back.”
By now the paparazzi is going crazy for Ray, and the governors are all putting their trophies and stuff on his table, and they can’t believe how great it is. Ray is high-fiving everyone and being famous, and that’s when Will walks up, and he is like, “Aw, HELL NO!!”
The Army gets involved and starts shooting Will with their fireman hose, because none of them can believe that an urban guy could invent something like the table, and they spray Will until he can’t do breathing anymore, and he is like, “Woooorrrdddd uuupppppppp…” and that’s in slow motion so he can get the actoring prize.
Ray throws his comb to the ground, and admits that Will invented the table. J-Lo puts Will’s body on the table, and everyone feels bad, because of how Will isn’t going to live to see his invention become a meme for the world to use. Everyone says the Pledge of Allegiance as the flag waves, and now there’s a lot to think about.
BRAD RADBY’S PRODUCTION NOTES
1) It was great to see Will again, but he was telling me and Ruffers that maybe we should do more bench pressing and less doobies.
2) Less gin and more arm curls was another good tip he had.
3) During the part with the fist-fight I forgot to yell cut and Will punched Ray out a window and that’s why it looked so real in the movie.
4) Keanu was really excited for my doobies, and we made up a sequel called Head of the Next Table, where the President does his plan on the urbans, and then we had more doobies and forgot. :(
5) All the history nerds got mad at us on this one, because I guess they didn’t say the Pledge at the end of the movie in real life, but I’m coming at it like it makes more sense than just standing there staring at dead Will. wtf
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